Inside the mind of DiNozzo and McGee
by PaperHat
Summary: Collection of little conversations between Tony and Tim all cruelly cut short by the bossman himself. Now completed thanks for all of the reviews. Think it is time the boys did get back to work.
1. If Gibbs Was In Star Trek

**1. ****IF GIBBS WAS IN STAR TREK**

"He'd be a Klingon Tony, there's no question"

"Not a Romulan?"

"Romulans are Vulcans with attitude, so that means, there'd be high levels of intelligence"

"You saying Gibbs isn't intelligent?"

"Are you saying he is Tony?"

"He definitely wouldn't be Betazoid"

"Remind me again Probie, what's a Betazoid?"

"Deanna Troi and her mom, from the Next Generation, they can read minds"

"Isn't that the ones who get married butt naked?"

"Yeah, trust you DiNozzo. That means he would have three R-rated wedding photo albums"

"So you are sticking with Klingon?"

"Yeah. Warrior race, not afraid of dying, eats worms, scares the hell outta Captain Kirk"

"I think you may be on to something. What about the uniform, fur and leather. I don't see that"

"He's like Worf and B'Lanna, he's a Starfleet Klingon, wrestling all of that duty and honor stuff with his deep rooted warrior instinct"

"Come to think of it, have you seen the wrinkles on his forehead?"

"Wait! What about Cardassian, they are mean sons of bitches"

"The hair's right with the Cardassian…high and tight"

"I can definitely see him more with a phaser than a bat'leth Tony"

"Yeah"

"So if Gibbs was in Star Trek, he'd be….OW!"

"If I were in Star Trek DiNozzo, I'd stick a warp core up your ass to get you back to work!"

"Live, long and prosper boss!"

"Are you going to get some work done McGee?"

"Making it so Captain…Ouch!"


	2. Gibbs Favorite Toy

**GIBBS FAVORITE TOY**

"Did you know McGee that you can tell a lot about someone by the toys they played with when they were a kid"

"I played computer games, I guess then it was only natural that I chose to go down that route and go to MIT?"

"Did you go to MIT Probie, I didn't know that!"

"Funny Tony….so I guess Ziva played with knives and guns and not dolls and tea-sets?"

"I can see it now….she was probably only three years old when she got her 'My First Mossad Knife'!"

Hey, do you think Ducky played with Operation?"

"Yeah and one of those toy bears that are voice activated and never shuts up"

"What about Abby?"

"Easy, face paints and chemistry sets….together"

"Well, knowing what you are like now Tony, I guess you played with dolls huh, did you like to fondle their plastic bits"

"McGee! No! I did NOT play with dolls"

"Not even a GI Joe?"

"Of course I had a GI Joe, every boy has a GI Joe….well except you and that whole Barbie thing you got going"

"Whadya think Gibbs played with when he was little?"

"That's easy wooden toy guns...hence the marines and the whole boat in the basement thing"

"Yo! Ziva, we were saying how you can tell a lot about a person by the toys they played with"

"So you obviously played with yourself Tony"

"By myself, Ziva, by myself"

"She was right the first time DiNozzo….and guess what?"

"What's that boss?"

"If you don't get back to work you'll have the opportunity to play all day in the unemployment line"

"McGee, what's your favorite toy at the moment?"

"Uh, that dead Petty Officer's hard drive…boss"


	3. Change a Light Bulb?

Glad to see that these little conversations are going down well. There is another three or four in the pipeline. Watch this space!**

* * *

**

CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? 

"How many NCIS Agents does it take to change a light bulb Tony?"

"Just the one and that's me Probie….NCIS Senior Field Agent Anthony DiNozzo"

"Nope"

"How many then?"

"Four"

"Why four?"

"One to tape the light fitting off to secure the scene, one to put the new bulb in, one to take a picture and one to bag and tag the old one as evidence"

"Ha, you've been here too long McGeek that is very sad! Ok, how many Marines does it take to change a light bulb"

"That's easy…one"

"You got it Probie, one, to stare at it so long and hard that it'll get so scared it'll change itself"

"How many Mossad Agents does it take to change a light bulb then DiNozzo?"

"Oooh! Wicked….don't know… how many?"

"They don't have light bulbs in Israel, Ziva's shot them all"

"Dangerous McGee, dangerous!"

"Tony"

"Wait, I've got another one, your gonna love this, how many ME's does it take to change a li…..OW!"

"Hi Boss!"

"Missed your warning there Probie"

"Yup"

"If you two don't get back to work, I'll shove a light bulb so far…."

"Got it! Boss…we are both…switched on now"


	4. Desert Island

**DESERT ISLANDS**

"If you were stranded on a desert island Tony, what three things would you like to have with you?"

"A boat, petrol and pizza"

"You're stranded Tony, that means you wouldn't have a boat!"

"A helicopter, a pilot and a pizza then"

"Tony, if you're not gonna answer the question properly, I'll tell Ziva you think she's hot"

"Ok Probie, desert island huh?"

"Yeah, three things"

"Easy, my designer sun glasses, the latest copy of GSM and a mobile phone"

"I guess you would never be bored then huh!"

"So what would Elf-Lord take to his desert island?"

"Me? I think I'd take a wind up radio, a box of matches and a knife"

"That all seems very sensible McGee, what would you do for fun?"

"Set fire to some palm trees and knife some sea creatures"

"You know I think Ducky should recommend a therapist for you"

"So **who** would you take to a desert island DiNozzo"

"Aha, Probie, that is a totally different ball game. If I were on a desert island, I'd take…OW!"

"It wouldn't be Gibbs then...OW!"

"If you two don't have anything better to do, all it will take is a few phone calls and I can arrange for you to be stranded at Parris Island for thirteen weeks!"

"Lot's to do boss and getting on with it"


	5. Gibbs First Word

**GIBBS FIRST WORD**

"Haw…I saw some of your baby pictures the other day Probie….you were one ugly little Elf like ball of blubber weren't you!"

"I gave them to Abby with the promise that she didn't share. It's so not fair! Anyway, she says I was cute…and that I hadn't changed much"

"Stop that smirking and put those eyebrows back in position McGee, it looks desperate…..she told me that your old man tells the story that your first word was 'laptop'..that right?"

"So the story goes Tony. Were you ever told what your first word was?"

"Nah, I don't think my parents were into sentimentality like that"

"Hey, do you think Ducky went for a full sentence in one go?"

"Yeah, like 'shall I tell you about this incredibly interesting bed-time story I heard, you see there was this attractive young lady called Goldilocks and three somewhat carnivorous creatures each one varying in shape and size'"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! You really have Ducky's voice down to a tee DiNozzo!"

"Biggest challenge of all Probie, what do you think Gibbs' first word or sentence was?"

"He probably didn't talk, he just stared as a baby!"

"I can picture him lying in his stroller right now, staring at his mom, his eyes saying 'push me..NOW!'"

"Yeah, but I bet you his first words would have been, 'Ya think!'"

"I think Gibbs first word as a baby would have been…OW!"

"Tony if you don't stop gassing, by the time I'm through with you the word 'Unemployed' will be ringing in your ears, and you, McGee, will hear the words, 'Transferred to Norfolk"

"We were just wondering what your first word as a baby was boss!"

Silence.

_Long, hard, scary stare, signaling impending doom _

"Sorry boss!"

"Yikes, DiNozzo, you were right about the stroller"


	6. If Gibbs Were President

**IF GIBBS WERE PRESIDENT**

"It will be voting time again soon McGee, could you ever see yourself as President?"

"Never thought about it Tony, can you see me as President McGee one day?"

"Yeah sure, you can be anything you want to be, look at me, I've proven that"

"So you've reached your full potential...right! What would you do if you were President?"

"I'd declare a National Pizza day and I'd declare the Superbowl a National Holiday"

"If I were President I'd move the White House to Massachussets, where I went to school. At MIT"

"Nah, Puerto Rico, man, I love Puerto Rico"

"President McGee, that has got a nice ring to it. I'd need a pretty hot First Lady"

"Can you imagine Abby as the First Lady?"

"A Goth in the White House…that's unthinkable McGee!"

"Ziva can't be President"

"Why not, she could get US citizenship and then work her way into politics, look at Arnie"

"No Tony, she couldn't be President, because she can't reach the podium!"

"Ha! Good one Probie!"

"Tony….what would Gibbs do if he was President"

"President Jethro Gibbs….urrghhh! can you imagine McGee?"

"Starbucks on every street corner, abolition of speed limits"

"More Phys Ed in schools, corporal punishment, compulsory high and tight haircuts, National Service in the Corps"

"Staring at Senator's until they agree with him, whacking Governors heads"

"Ow!"

"Would you two like to see my version of voting with your feet?"

"Uh boss, voting with your feet normally involves walking out, you're not leaving are you?"

"Ahem! McGee...he means, using his feet or rather his boot in a slightly different way"

"Getting back to work right away boss!"


End file.
